Why?!

I've been dumped already. It appears that Andy thought I was taking the piss out of him. I thought I could walk with ya mate. Apologies.

:(

I'm back for Andy!

Ok, I think we all know that at this stage I've already booked my place in hell, it's only a standard double room at the moment but I'm sure it'll be upgraded to deluxe torture any day now...so I've decided to do something about it. I'm going to twin my blog...or at least try to twin my blog with a chap whom I don't know who's suffering from cancer. Before you all go thinking that I'm some diabolical, twisted, depraved, so-and-so..actually you know what...i don't really have anywhere to go with that...I probably am all the above things.

However, I've seen this lad around thousands of times since I was a young fella...I think I used to see him in mass on a weekly basis...but that could have been some other italian looking handsome fucker. Either way, Andy, I'm here with you buddy...where your blog shall walk, mine will too. You will turn me into a nicer person, just by association...and after it all...you'd better give me a discount in Sherwoods cause God knows they're some robbing feckers in there.

So I hope you're ready for this mate! Cause even though you haven't a clue who I am...(I'm Monty by the way...but if you've already read some of this blog, you'll know that by now) and I kinda know you're face from around...

But hey...how many people in this city/town of ours do we see day in and day out...we know their faces with years now...and the only time we'd possibly contemplate saying hello to them is if we saw them in Lanzarote or somewhere.

Let's change that!! andy...me and you are gonna change the world dude.

Til the next time.

Monty

Oh by the way...if you were looking for porn...or grand national winners, and stumbled across this blog and have no idea who Andy is (or me for that matter) here's my new best internet friend's blog.

http://deisedestroyer.blogspot.com/

Another episode.

Wow. It's been a while. That was a song wasn't it? It's been a while!!! Recorded by an artist called stained if I'm not mistaken...

Which brings me onto the first thing I want to talk about...

I recently spent two weeks living with a girl. It was, I will admit, an attempt at a relationship. To be honest, there's not a lot about those two weeks that was in any way admirable, in fact the majority of this blog will be about the girl that I then began to see but one thing did strike me about those two weeks. This girl was naive. She asked me, not once, not twice, but three times why I blew my nose into (a) my boxers which she was about to clean, (b) the tea towel and (c) the sofa.

She was incredibly stupid.

But the next girl....oh my....

Ok so it was a normal friday morning...I'm up to my tits in debt and feel that I need to apply for a loan. I go into the bank and met with this pretty girl called Lorna. She's very straight laced and only smiled when my phone rang and when i went to answer it i dropped it and while trying to catch it i ended up juggling it until it ended up about 20 feet from me. That was more of a "what a fucking idiot" smile. Anyway, this girl, right in front of me...without saying I'll have to wait 24 hours....turned me down. She, personally, turned me down for a loan. Can she do that?I mean shouldn't she at least say, I've put in your details and it will be 24 hours before we have an answer. No. Sorry. Have a nice day.

But here's the twist. Later that night, I see this girl out and she's drunk...very drunk...hopefully at her leaving do so I can apply again tomorrow. I walk passed her on the way to the toilet...she stops me...she knows me she says..."how do I know you?" She then gives some options..."Do you play tennis?" No. "I met you in Crete last year didn't I?" No. She didn't give me another option so I said...."bank......" "Oh you worked with me...hahaha...I'm so sorry..."

Anyway, long story short...I brought her home. I think I did so because I wanted to see what she was like when I wasn't asking for a loan. Christ...I got my answer. She stripped me naked...sat on top of me....punched me in the jaw...asked me (don't ask me how she knew) if I wanted to be pissed on...I said no..cause you know...it's more of a passing interest than a fetish. Luckily enough I rang the taxi in advance on the way home but while I was lying there....looking up at her strange nipples with a hair sticking out of one...I couldn't help but remember her behind that window telling me that I couldn't have that loan.

Masturbation

Told ya I'd be back!!

I don't imagine anyone is reading this...but if you are...and you're offended....then you shouldn't be still here reading about me talking about you being offended.

Masturbation.

I remember when I was in school they used to say this thing..

"I have a joke for ya monty..."

"haa..ok let me hear it..."

"there was this lad who was having a bath one day...he started to wank in the bath..."

"ok.."

"and you know the way the cum floats in the water"

"Yeah"

"Ah...you're a wanker!! Monty's a wanker!!"

You see nowadays I'd say.....yeah...and? but back then....

"What? No I'm not..I was just saying yeah so you'd carry on the joke..."

Masturbation is the strangest thing in the world...I can remember having some masturbation sessions that lasted longer than my longest sex sessions... I remember one time I was chatting online with this girl...she was getting fairly dirty, and then told me she had a webcam...man...I was yanking away for so long that when I finally came I got it in my eye. (tip for anyone looking to conceive...the longer you're at it...the further and faster it shoots)

The Story of my first Masturbation

I've often thought about this...how old was I when I first went at myself...then it came to me (sorry)...

One Christmas Eve...I was so excited about santa comi....visiting our house, that I couldn't sleep. So i wanked 3 times to knock myself out. Now...if I believed in Santa...how young must I have been? Still though, it really is a great sedative...something I think they should consider using in hospitals...and if there's any parents out there who can't get their kids to sleep on christmas eve....

What is it with women and masturbation. Without a shadow of a doubt, they're all at it but they can't admit it. And nothing get's me going more than women at themselves....girls...if you're reading this,..please leave a comment about how much you masturbate. Appreciate it.

Monty

Episode Three - The Phantom Menace

Sorry about the lack of entries (that's what I said to myself last night), it's just done to chronic laziness.

I did something reprehensible last night...this is funny actually but not something that any other human being will understand. I was full of bottles...and texting about 6 girls at the same time...just to relieve the boredom while my mates are outside smoking. Anyway, there's this one girl...who's okay looking, but I wouldn't want to date her or anything. One pleasing shag, just out of curiosity would suit me down to the ground.

Anyway...i sent her a text saying the following -

"I'm really falling for her man"

So...i pretended that i was sending her a text my mistake...a text I was supposed to send to my mate bill....and she was supposed to go all gooey thinking I was falling for her...

Instead she thought I was a freak...and got all scared...I mean the cheek of her!!! She should have been delighted. I then had to talk myself out of her...To cut a long story short she dumped me before we had a chance to even go out. The amount of times I've been dumped by women i don't even fancy is starting to get funny.

Another thing I've discovered this week. I'm kinda turned on by women peeing.

Not watcing someone having a pee on the toilet (that would be freaky.) (actually, it's probably not as freaky as what I'm about to say).. The idea of getting peed on doesn't repulse me...the sight of girls peeing on each other causes a state of semi arousement (until i keep watching it, then it's total arousment) I think it may have something to do with women who squirt...have you seen that? That's fantastic.

I was in a niteclub last week and I was surrounded by 18 year olds. 18 year olds in Ireland are not like the 18 year olds that you see on the internet (probably because they're all 28)...they don't have any tits and look like your 12 year old cousin. I actually surprised myself...I thought that I'd be as randy as a priest on a beach but I wasn't...they actually didn't do anything for me. Which was nice.

So...I'm making some resolutions for the months ahead. I want to get me a girlfriend for Christmas..cause like birthdays...it's depressing not having someone to give you loads of presents...i'm also going to see if she'll pee on me. (How do you bring that up?)

anyway...until tomorrow..(you've heard that before..)

The Monty Charm

If I could bottle and sell my charm...

Well I don't think it would sell very well to be honest. My charm is a bit of a slow burner and I don't think something that works so slowly would sell very well.

As I write this I have some porn on in the background....not on the telly, but on another tab so I can only hear it. They seem to be enjoying themselves. Which is nice. The video is called Homemade shower lesbian games. Kinda catchy isn't it? It certainly caught my attention...hold on til I have a quick look at it...lovely. I got that tingle...you know that tingle that you sometimes get at 2 o clock in the afternoon that makes you draw the curtains and destroy an old towel or something. I'm fighting the urge though because I'm planning a night of sex tonight. Ya see I hate the post ejaculation feeling. If there was a church nearby I have no doubt that after every wank I'd go over and say a few hail marys. The feeling of sitting there in front of some depraved website, watching 30 girls humliate each other (I'll give you the link to that if you want) with your trousers around your ankles and cum setting in to your pubes...well it's not the most triumphant feeling in the world. And I don't want to go into a date and subsequent sex with those feelings on my mind.

anyway where was I?

Oh yes...the charm. So there's these two girls who I see on a weekly basis, they're both fairly attractive and I get on with them both. Lately I've started texting them both, and of course each one is like....Look...are you coming on to us both? That's a bit sleazy isn't it? Just go to her, you were talking to her first. I see that as some King Solomon shit so get more attracted to her. The problem is...I think the other one is more keen so I'd better stick to the good thing for now. See what I think is going down is they want a threesome, but they want the right man...someone who is pure....someone who doesn't just want a threesome. I can be that man, hell I can be absolutely any kind of man if it would get me a threesome. Chinese man? No fucking problem.

Entry Number One

Welcome to my blog. This is basically going to be my conscience. I of course hope that nobody finds this Blog til my no doubt untimely death. When found, please don't judge me...I didn't kill anybody (at time of writing) I just tried to have a good time, be responsible and generally nice to people. Ok, chances are I only accomplished one of those things, but you know... my heart was always in the right place. Ok this is not working.

I'm a scumbag, I know it. A girl will send me a picture of her tits and of course I'll show everyone and probably upload it to the internet. I've never been in a long term relationship cause I need to be loved too much an invariably end up shagging the first thing that shows an interest in me. If you are an ex girlfried reading this....you are the exception...you know who you are...I loved you!

Ok, this is going to be a diary of depravity. If you stumble upon this website after searching for The winner of 2003 Grand National, I'm truly sorry, you didn't deserve this. However, if after finding this blog you now feel better about yourself and your own life...then I'm glad I could be of some help.

I could've had sex with 3 people today (more if I was willing to travel) but I didn't. One girl actually begged. And let me tell you, I'm not a gorgeous looking guy...I just tell them what they want to hear...repeatedly. It's a horrible trait in a human being, but hey...if more of us were like that, there'd me no war. Why didn't I have all the sex? Cause my friends, I'm trying out a relationship.

Talk to ya tomorrow...